So I grew up in a “very christian” home. Those homes where you’re woken every morning for morning devotions at 5am. And those morning devotions were actually Bible schools and correctional homes. All the evil you committed in the previous 24 hours were brought to the open and judged. There is a way the Bible passage in the devotional would somehow be related to what you did yesterday. My parents being ministers of God, my immediate circle of influence was conservative. I didn’t have exposure to much vices growing up. There wasn’t even a Television Set in my house. And so I somehow didn’t appreciate the degree of sexual recklessness the world was in.
My school was a mission school established by my parents. The atmosphere there was also a little spiritual. First period every Wednesday was compulsory bible study throughout the classes. Whatever animalistic tendency anybody had was a lot regulated by the system.
Leaving primary school, I headed for a public secondary school. This marked my first real exposure to the world of the opposite sex and rashness. Met and mixed with real crude guys. Those were the days when we’ll bend down under crowdy desks pretending to want to pick something that fell, whereas we were looking into the open skirt of a particular girl in our class who was fond of not wearing pants. The nickname we gave her then was, “Shipiriti”. You can’t understand it. It was here I met young girls and boys who were already professors in this sex thing. But despite all of these exposures, I really didn’t get spoilt to the point of considering sex myself or being hooked on ponography. Those morning devotions and Tuesday bible studies where my parents cooked us created a form of minimum standard below which I couldn’t go no matter how I tried. I remember fondly the first time in my life that I held a lady (who wasn’t my relative) by the hand as we walked on the street, I was already out of secondary school and awaiting admission. That day I felt on top of the world. As much as you may consider that as nothing, it was a big deal for me. I kept wondering, “na me be this?”
Fast forward to Obafemi Awolowo University. Early enough, I joined the Student Union and began holding elective positions. My immediate circle became rough. Most of my comrades were freethinkers. Those who are Christians are the type of Christians who really don’t submit their daily lives to the authority of God’s word and will as most Nigerian Christians of today. They love to drink, smoke, party, and most importantly, “slaughter.” I came across this word “slaughter” for the first time in this circle. A lady walks past and someone says, “I’ve slaughtered that girl thrice.” “Comrade, who are you currently, slaughtering?” “A Peniela, you mean you don’t slaughter?” (we normally use indefinite articles “a” or “an” behind the names of comrades).
There was a way being a student union leader attracted girls to you. I think generally women are attracted to influence. Whichever platform. Comrades even pass ladies to themselves. There were those girls who grew through the ranks until they got the appelation, “union property”. Those were the ladies who have been slaughtered round. Here, I was exposed to how much mockery these ladies are subjected to behind their backs. And I really do pity them. What devaluation?
Once, I was with one of my comrades in a car park, a beautiful well dressed lady came by and they greeted each other fondly. They haven’t seen in many years. As the lady walked away, without asking him, “I slaughtered that lady when we were in law school”, he bragged.
Most men have a sense of conquest whenever they are able to successfully sleep with a woman. And only few won’t go bragging about it. It appears a product of a cultural dominance of chauvinism.
Found there are fewer women who go bragging after sleeping with a man. Cultural influence makes that absurd. It is seen as though it’s the woman that loses something to the man and not the other way round. I disagree though. They are both losing their sense of honour. A pastor may be highly respected and brimming with fire, but there is this tiny girl in the congregation who isn’t impressed by all the noise the “Man of God” is making into the microphone. When his eyes meets her eyes, he fidgets on the inside. Someone you thought was a big man. When he gives an instruction, everyone rushes to carry it out apart from this tiny little Busola.
There were those lecturers that we really feared back in the days for being strict only to see them laughing sheepishly with some of our female classmates who sometimes call them by their first name. True life story. They have been conquered. Devalued!
Sex can really devalue. It’s extreme access. It’s an exposure of your deepest bodily secret to another person. There’s a reason why you call it a private part. Why you normally closed the bathroom and locked it behind you after stepping in. Why heaven will break lose if someone rips off your clothes on the street. It’s called shame. The person who has access to what you shut others out of certainly has a leverage through privilege. You’ve heard “privileged information” before. That’s a popular phraseology. That’s what I’m talking about. The next time you’re catwalking on your street and all the guys are loosing their head imagining what’s behind the skirt, someone among them needs no imagination, he knows exactly what’s inside those skirts. Why he sometimes chips in, “there’s nothing there” and may go ahead to give a vivid description.
And there are these ladies who gather together and retort, “forget that guy, he’s a 40 seconds man, his something is not bigger than this my finger.” Even if they said his something is longer than a ruler, it makes no difference. The point is, a private part has become an object of public analysis.
Of course, the world we live in tells us it’s nothing. But they are not being truthful. Those worldly people who dress scantily don’t normally forget to cover at least their nipples and would cover their pubic area and anus. Why the stress if it is nothing? Shows the shame attached to nakedness isn’t a spiritual phenomenon. It’s only nothing if you’re choosing to turn a new live and walk away from an ungodly relationship. Then I will agree it is nothing. And don’t insist on marrying a wrong person simply because he has had access. In such a case too, it will be nothing. Cut your losses, and walk away. Thought to quickly say that.
Outside the exceptions above, indeed it is something. The word dishonour in Yoruba is translated “arifin” which is a shorter version of “arifinifini”. “Arifinifini” means having a thorough, complete view of something. It is “arifinifini” that breeds “arifin”. In other words, familiarity breeds contempt. Nothing breeds a sense of familiarity with someone more than sex. It’s extreme access. Whereas scarcity breeds value. That’s basic economics.
Kept till marriage and given as a gift to your partner, man or woman, you get honour, respect and trust in return. And I’m not just talking about virginity or just the ladies. I’m saying to both men and women, keep your private part from access as from now. Make it scarce. Make it permanently unavailable until marriage. Only sex with your married partner doesn’t breed shame or a sense of being used.
By the way it’s time we started telling men the best gift they can also give their wives is their virginity or at least a list of exes that isn’t too long for those who are no longer “virgins”. Whatever is good for the goose is good for the gander.
I wish you a disciplined life.