I’ve struggled with my self-confidence since the tender age of seven, many things have contributed to me being an introvert. It affected a lot of things in my life and relationship with people. I don’t fit in, I’ve never fitted in, in any way in my life, I’ve always stood out like a thumb. I was always too skinny, too quiet, too short or too meek.
However, that never stopped me from trying to fit in, I was willing to pay anything it’ll cost. I would eat junks and anything eatable, just so I could gain some more weight, so my boobs could be bigger. I would do squats so I could have the curvy body big bum tight abs like those of Rihanna and Beyoncé. I would look myself in the mirror and ask, ‘why couldn’t I be like them?’ Friends at school socialize easily, they made friends without stress and I would think, ‘why couldn’t I just be like them?’
I honestly hated myself and everything about me. My parents weren’t of any help as they would always rub it in my face how skinny I was; how too quiet I was. My mum once said to me, ‘I really don’t know where I got you from, you’re too different from the rest of my children’. Boys flocked at my friends and sisters, asking them out, and then, there was me. No one wanted me. I didn’t even want me. I did research on how to get fat, when others were trying to slim down. I became my own nutritionist, did every workout for boobs and curvy bums. It wasn’t enjoyable, but I just wanted to look like everyone around me.
Having this attitude and mindset destroyed me. There was nothing I could do to be perfect, I would never be. I got to a point in my life where I reached an all-time low. I was lonely. I was isolated, I was depressed. I had the feeling no one understood, so I never spoke to anyone.
Years passed, then I met this amazing person. He never meant anything to me at first, he was just another random guy. I expected to be ignored again, but this time, I wasn’t. He wanted to be with me, of all people. At first, I really didn’t care, but he just wouldn’t leave. It started out subtly, we became friends, got to know each other, it got deeper. He never took advantage of me, he was my best friend, my only friend. He was there to pick me up whenever I needed it and I could talk to him about anything, but I couldn’t really be open to him.
I was too scared; I didn’t want my feelings to be hurt. I didn’t want to go back to the lonely, depressed girl nobody wanted. He was everything to me. I changed myself for him, though he never asked for it. But my low self-confidence ruined it all. I started to think, ‘how could a man like him want a girl like me?’ I started to doubt him and everything we had. I pushed him away. I thought I was doing the right thing. I just wanted him to be happy.
I lost who I loved, who loved me dearly, because I had no self-esteem. I couldn’t believe in myself, I couldn’t tell myself for once, ‘you’re good enough’. Although, he loved me, he chose to stay in my life, but I couldn’t keep him because I thought I didn’t deserve someone like him, he was too good for me. I couldn’t bring myself to believe him when he told me I was the best thing that happened to him. I mean how could that be? No one has ever wanted me.
He was always there when no one else was, he was still there regardless of how I treated him. But, he was human after all, he couldn’t take it any longer, he got fed up. He left. I lost him.
Believing in yourself and having confidence in yourself is very important. You’ll lose important relationships in your life if you don’t. You’ll lose your happiness, you’ll lose yourself. If you always feel you’re not good enough, you don’t deserve this or that, you’re destroying yourself, your person and your personality.
I’ve seen young girls struggle with this a lot and they try to deal with it in different ways. Some throw themselves at men for confidence and have sex with them, because it makes them feel wanted. We condemn them, we abuse them, but we aren’t getting to the root of the problem, we’re only pushing them more and more into it.
They feel they have to please everyone, they have to look like that star on social media, they have to just fit in somehow.
Girl, your happiness is in your hands, I broke myself down but I’m building myself back up now. Because I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved too. I want to be truly happy and smile from within, not the fake smile and laugh. I want to believe in myself that I can do it, that I’m truly amazing. Tell yourself, you’re beautiful. Never let nothing destroy your self-confidence. Shout it to yourself that you’re amazing because you truly are!
#Abimbola Tinuola Faleye